Aries
My, what a big pile of Chanukah gelt you have there, Aries.
Are you sure you don't want to share? Aw, you didn't
find the Afikoman this year. Do you really have to kick and
scream about it? You're the spoiled brat of Judaism, who won't
rest until things go your way right away. Once you've established
dominion, you'll practice random acts of generosity and self-important
charitable giving. Where we'll find
you: showing off your debate team trophies, ordering specially-prepared
items at a restaurant, sulking until everyone pays attention
to you.
Taurus
Brunches, showers, perfectly-planned dinner parties...Taurus
is forever hosting them, just for the opportunity to show off
your refined tastes and divulge your latest conspiracy theory.
Books by tortured authors will be stacked around your well-decorated
parlor, so guests can see how smart and angst-ridden you are
(such drama!). They'll also want to notice how attractive and
talented and interesting—and oh yeah, perfect—you
are. Wait, is this a contest or something? Where
we'll find you: fixing your
hair for the billionth time, one-upping a rival, earnestly preparing
for the coming of the Messiah
Gemini
Why is this sign different from all other signs? Why are there
only four questions? For Geminis, everything's a question, compounding
the whole idea that Jews answer questions with questions. For
you, life is a debate, and the whole questioning business is
a way of getting what you want by thoroughly confusing everyone.
Where we'll find you:
loudly criticizing someone's outfit or behavior, fast-talking
people into doing your bidding
Cancer
You're so in touch with your "inner Jewish mother," you make
yourself guilty. All the time, in fact. Then there's your need
to be thrifty, to buy wholesale, to clip coupons with a compulsion
that causes you to sleep at odd hours and lash out at anyone
within firing distance. Waste not, want not. There are people
starving, after all. Still, you're the ultimate nurturer. You'd
give anyone the shirt off your back—if only for a chance
to show off your chest. Where we'll
find you: rummaging through
discount bins, haggling over the price of an "Ask Me About My
Grandchildren" T-shirt.
Leo
Who knows one? Leo knows one! Who wants to carry the Torah?
Look, it's Leo charging up to the bima again! You arrive early
at the synagogue, draped in shimmering fabrics, outrageous hats,
and expensive suits—and you know all the prayers by heart.
After the service, you bring baked goods and finger puppets,
warming the hearts of families in the congregation (and "innocently"
upstaging the rabbi). Small children love you—almost as
much as you love yourself. Where we'll
find you: leading a ten-week
synagogue youth trip, toiling merrily on an agricultural kibbutz,
teaching Israeli folk dance
Virgo
You're the ultimate rabbi—introspective, self-righteous,
endowed with a major G-d complex. You need to heal and take
care of people. And who better than a congregation of worshippers,
convinced that you alone can lead them to the Almighty? With
your gentle voice, soft hymns, and concerned way of listening,
the devoted dependents are sure to come a-clinging. When your
overwhelming fans want you to expose your own human weakness,
you'll escape on a six-month "spirtual pilgrimage" to Jerusalem.
Where we'll find you: quietly
davening in public (where everyone will see how pious you are),
volunteering with the elderly, meditating in a Zen-inspired
Sukkah.
Libra
The Jewish holidays start at sundown sharp, and Libras everywhere
have set their watches. There must be order and perfection,
after all. Your home is your castle, and you are its prince
or princess. You'll marry someone who will attend to your every
demand—and you'll stay single until that perfect match
comes along. You could put a yenta out of business with your
pickiness. Where we'll find you:
onstage peforming bitter improv, photographing nature scenes,
at a salon having your press-on nails painted
Scorpio
Did you know that ancient rabbis knew thousands of sacred sexual
positions? Isn't the Kaballah sexy? Wow, Scorpio, I've never
seen anyone wear fishnets to High Holiday services before. We
know you want to get into law school, but do you really
need to study that hard? You're so intense, you could light
Shabbat candles just by staring at them long enough. Where
we'll find you: cutting Hebrew
class to fool around with the janitor, plotting to seduce your
rabbi
Sagittarius
If you crossed a Las Vegas lounge singer with a neurotic control
freak, you'd have Sagittarius. Forever resentful of the power
elite, you invent new subcultures just so you can be the boss.
Post-reconstructionist information-age Judaism, you say? Aha.
And you're traveling to Botswana to study with a small sect
of Jews there? How interesting. Now go take your Prozac.
Where we'll find you: reinventing Judaism on the Internet,
angst-ridden on your therapist's couch
Capricorn
Aren't you making Bubbe and Zayde proud, with your business
school degree and perfect little job at the consulting firm?
If only you could be happy about it. (If only they knew all
your kinky little secrets.) But it's kvetch, kvetch, kvetch
and worry, worry, worry. Like a mensch, you keep plodding along
anyhow, occasionally driving everyone else crazy along the way.
Where we'll find you:
climbing the corporate ladder, performing drag in your mother's
housedress
Aquarius
If "Jewish" and "activist" are synonymous, it's because of Aquarius.
Drawn to the the underdog, you're everywhere help is needed,
arriving with a picket sign, hash brownies and a twelve-string
guitar. You're an idealist who will scold a school bully for
picking on the less fortunate. With your subversive and scatterbrained
tendencies, you're the quirky teacher's pet who occasionally
does time in detention. You could spend time as a political
prisoner in a foreign country. Where
we'll find you: lobbying at city hall, moderating a Trekkie
convention, teaching finger-painting to underprivileged children
Pisces
Guilt trips? You've been on so many that you're earning frequent
flyer miles.You're a masochist in combat boots, an angst-filled
beat poet who dreams about revolution. You always make your
gefilte fish by hand. Why? Just so you can scrape your knuckles
raw, then demand sympathy from your family and friends, who
never appreciate you anyway. Where
we'll find you: buying
your family's favorite foods in bulk, chain-smoking at an interpretive
Jewish poetry slam
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